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像狗一样活着?

    今天跟我们实验室的博后大叔诉当TA(助教)的苦,他就开玩笑说,我们都是“live like a dog”。虽然这话听着有些悲哀,但事实确实是这样的。

    上个周五我要在seminar上做一次presentation。那次我选了一篇非常有意思的论文,综合了有机化学,分子生物学和免疫学。我非常欣赏那种学科交叉的美,在准备的过程中,似乎我和科研又一次迸发出爱的火花。可是,周五中午,收到管TA的那个老师一封充满斥责的邮件,我的心绪完全被扰乱,结果,presentation也草草收场。

    事情过去了将近一个星期,具体的内容我也不多说了。上个周末,我花费了整个周末时间去调整自己的心态。感觉调整好了,可是当这周再看到那个老师的时候,我心里仍然觉得很不舒服。当我想到我还要跟这个女人再干1个甚至2个学期时,我真觉得恐怖。

    很多人问我喜不喜欢TA,喜不喜欢教别人东西。以前我会给出肯定的答案,现在我会绝对给出否定的答案。因为每次无论我如何努力(比如课前查一遍字典,努力学习读一串长长的有机化合物的名字;仔细去看实验的procedures,好好准备pre-lab lecture),实验之后我还是会收到那个女人一封充满斥责的喋喋不休地挑毛病的邮件。我知道我做得不完美,但是无论如何,我那么多努力总是该得到一点点的appreciation和尊重吧。所以,我的处境用那句“像狗一样活着”,真是形容得无比恰当。

    不过最近还是想通了很多,那样的女人在我的人生中只是个小插曲,没什么影响的。而且,用她还可以磨练我的心性,多好啊。

随便聊聊今天的新闻

今天早晨起床去实验室,一如既往打开电脑。进入wikipedia后,看到首页上刘晓波的照片,就知道GCD最不想看到的事情发生了,刘晓波先生真的得了诺贝尔和平奖。本人在好奇心的驱使下,就Google了一下刘晓波相关的信息,接着又浏览了海外华人的买买提论坛,论坛里很多版里铺天盖地全都是刘晓波相关的帖子,还看到YouTube上一段最新的得奖后采访刘晓波老婆刘霞的视频。看了很多,就忍不住想写写,发表自己的一点看法。

第一,我不得不感慨GCD的舆论控制。前几天还在各大国内网站纷纷报道的诺贝尔奖得主的专版,一瞬间全都没掉了。进百度搜索刘晓波,只能出来“外交部严正声明这是对诺贝尔和平奖亵渎”的报道。我觉得不能容忍异见的ZF看似强大,实际则既脆弱又可悲。“身正不怕影子斜”,如果D坚信自己的共产主义信念及为信念所做的努力以及自己信念必然会实现,何必惧怕迫害异见分子呢?

第二,我看了刘晓波的《零八宪章》,确实和一些人评论的那样,这跟国父孙中山先生的主张和1945年中国宪法没太大区别。不过,在现在这个提倡民主变成“过街老鼠”的年代,有这样的勇气确实挺不简单的。我看到一张刘晓波和他老婆的合照。刘霞不知道是因为操劳过多还是身体不好,头发几乎全部掉光,非常消瘦,看上去让人很心酸。节选一段刘晓波《我没有敌人》里的话:“如果让我说出这二十年来最幸运的经历,那就是得到了我的妻子刘霞的无私的爱。今天,我妻子无法到庭旁听,但我还是要对你说,亲爱的,我坚信你对我的爱将一如既往。这么多年来,在我的无自由的生活中,我们的爱饱含着外在环境所强加的苦涩,但回味起来依然无穷。我在有形的监狱中服刑,你在无形的心狱中等待,你的爱,就是超越高墙、穿透铁窗的阳光,扶摸我的每寸皮肤,温暖我的每个细胞,让我始终保有内心的平和、坦荡与明亮,让狱中的每分钟都充满意义。而我对你的爱,充满了负疚和歉意,有时沉重得让我脚步蹒跚。我是荒野中的顽石,任由狂风暴雨的抽打,冷得让人不敢触碰。但我的爱是坚硬的、锋利的,可以穿透任何阻碍。即使我被碾成粉末,我也会用灰烬拥抱你。 ”是不是很让人动容呢?所以有人说,也许有一天,这篇文章会在教科书中出现,跟林觉民的《与妻书》一样。

第三,我对刘晓波的一些观点持保留意见。比如什么“中国应该再做300年殖民地”之类的。从这些零碎的报道中,似乎可以捉摸到一点他个性中的缺点,或者是很多知识分子都有的缺点。毕竟每个人都不是完美的。《圣经》说:“为义而受迫害的人是有福的。”我希望刘晓波真的是个好人,是个比老和尚或者奥巴马更合适更当之无愧的和平奖得主。

第四,一点关于法律的思考。刘晓波现在身陷囹圄,罪名是“颠覆国家政权罪”,我不禁想到如今被我们奉为英雄的秋瑾,谭嗣同也曾坐牢,法律真的一定公正吗?我觉得唯一公正的,是末日基督再来的审判。而一切世间的审判,世间的法律,都不一定公正。

第五,有人很一针见血地之处,诺贝尔和平奖其实是西方,特别是北欧价值观的体现。这就说明,国内反对刘晓波获奖的根源还是在于价值观的对立。我觉得和平奖不一定客观,西方的价值观不一定完全适合中国国情。但无论如何,我希望我们ZF能够包容一些不同的声音。

第六,来点轻松的,讲几个关于刘晓波获奖的相关笑话:1.据说某地掀起了抵制挪威货的行动,大家一起游行示威,焚烧了一本《挪威的森林》来声明抵制挪货。2. 杨振宁预言20年内中国必有本土的诺贝尔奖得主,这下预言真的应验啦,只是得主目前还在坐牢。老杨同志作何感想?3. 据说,北大和清华都要哭了,中国首位诺奖得主被北师大抢去了。中国大学排行榜是不是要变变了?

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我搬家了

9月1日,我正式从住了一年的north park搬出,搬进了West wheelock street的新家。这不是学校的apartment,是私人的,所以搬家的过程很麻烦,还要买不少新的东西。最郁闷的是,搬家那天房东居然没打扫卫生,客厅,厨房,卫生间,卧室,到处都很脏,害得我们要重新打扫过,然后才unpack自己的行李。而且这里以前的房客遗留了很多东西,从锅碗瓢盆到枕头,最要命的是墙上到处都是他们钉东西后留下来的洞洞,而地上则有无数小小的钉子在做“定时炸弹“。为了弥补这些洞洞我真是大费了一番苦心,当然也花了我不少银子。好了,贴几张新家的照片吧。
 
这些海报是我特意买来遮掩墙上的洞洞的。
 
 
那个十字的圣牌是以前住在这里的人留下的,金鱼挂坠是SC同学送给我的,让我”笑口常开“,哈哈!
 
 
我的无聊自拍和我的“小床”,其实是“大床”,相当宽,床单差一点就用不了了。

One year in U.S.

I’ll have been in U.S. for one year tomorrow. In the year of 2009 on Aug 28th, I said goodbye to my parents at PuDong international airport and then took Delta Airplane with my friend to Atlanta first and then Boston. We arrived at Boston at midnight on Aug 28th. There was a very heavy rain that night and the plane was also delayed due to the bad weather. At Logan airport, I met my cousin, whom I haven’t seen for more than ten years. When he left China, I was a little girl who just started primary school studies; but now, I’ve changed so much that he couldn’t even recognize me. How time flies!
 
During the past year, I’ve experienced so many things that it is impossible to summarize them all in my blog. There is joy and delight, but there is also sorrow and bitterness. There are plenty of trials, but consolation is even more. Experiences are really precious for me, since they taught me to be more mature, more independent, to solve problems by myself and to adjust myself to different circumstances in life.
 
I’m grateful to the people who have helped me a lot in the past year: family members, classmates, friends and so on. As to the people who have hurt me deeply and left a shadow in my mind, I should learn to forgive and forget. After all, I need to learn how to deal with different tyes of people. Not everyone is angel, neither are they demons. Gradually I began to discover goodness in every person and stop making judgements on others.
 
As to my PhD study, I really should be more confident. Studying in a foreign country, not only other people doubt my ability, I also doubt myself from time to time. My advisor always ask me "Do you understand?" "You see what I mean?" It seems that he really distrust me. That distrust makes me begin to question myself. Am I really foolish? But after one year study, I think I should confidently say "No". It is true that I couldn’t find proper terms or words to express what I think and this still happens now. But that’s the language part. Intellectually, I find that Chinese is not inferior to other races. When I took an Organic Chemistry course, my advisor even told the course lecturer that I did not do organic chem before, so I met have a lot of difficulties taking this course. But my ability even surprises me. In the midterm exam, I obtained the highest score among all the five grad students who took that course. That case gave me considerable encouragement. I should still work on my English to express my idea freely. But the most important thing is to be confident of myself. I don’t know if I really want to be a scientist, but I should not doubt my ability, the ability that enables me to do sth well.
 
Except chemistry study, the thing that makes me really happy in my past year is reading. I love reading always. When I was in college, I always came to library during the weekend and read books that I’m interested in: history, philosophy, humanity, religion and so on. This stopped in my senior year, because I was busy with application at that time. It’s really amazing I picked up reading again. I bought two books with my first salary in my life: The Seven Storey Mountain and a biography on Pope John XXIII. Ever since then, I began to buy one or two books every month when I got the pay check. Later I discovered the richness of our college library. We could take as many books as we can at one time and keep them up to a year! The I began to borrow books from library instead of buying them. I read some books that are very influential in my life: Beyond East and West (John C. H. Wu), The Seven Storey Mountain (Thomas Merton), The Inner Voice of Love (Henry Nouwen), The Story of a Soul (St. Therese of Lisieux) and so on. They enlightened me a lot and deepened my understanding on Faith and a lot of other things. Through reading, I finally discerned what’s the most important thing in my life, that is to say, what should I be attached to in my life and what should I be detached from in my life.
 
In the end, I want to quote the words from 2Corinthians as a summary: "We are afflicted in every way, but not constrained; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed". In addition, I should also quote the words from Philippians as a reminder: " Just one thing: forgetting what lies behind but straining forward to what lies ahead, I continue my pursuit toward the goal, the prize of God’s upward calling, in Christ Jesus. "

G. K. Chesterton

     最近,从图书馆里借来几本G. K. Chesterton (Gilbert Keith Chesterton,1874-1936)的书,闲暇时读读。最初听说Chesterton是从《超越东西方》那本书里,吴经熊很推崇他,而且吴经熊也被很多人认为是“中国的Chesterton”。后来知道EWTN里有个Chesterton的电视专题系列节目“The Apostle of Common Sense”。Chesterton是英国的作家,记者,诗人,也是信仰的坚定捍卫者。
 

    我看他写的“A Miscellany of Men”这本书时,刚打开书本,就被扉页上的一段话深深吸引:To the Common Man of every Nation, who has suffered at the hands of the humorless Bureaucrat, the crazed Militarist, the corrupt Politician, the lying Journalist, the avaricious Capitalist, the swindling Banker, the faithless Liberal, and the myriad false Messiahs. Keep working, praying and believing, for Deliverance will surely come!重点是最后一句话,凸显了信心,希望和爱德。

    他的这本书写了很多政论性的文章,我看不太懂。不过我很欣赏他的critical thinking。比如他在一篇文章中谈到了Karl Marx:I mean that modern doctrine, taught, I believe, by most followers of Karl Marx, which is called the materialist theory of history. The theory is, roughly, this: that all the important things in history are rooted in an economic motive. In short, history is a science; a science of the search for food.  Now I desire, in passing only, to point out that this is not merely untrue, but actually the reverse of the truth. It is putting it too feebly to say that the history of man is not only economic. Man would not have history if he were only economic. The need for food is certainly universal, so universal that it is not even human. (eg, cows)后面还有很长的论证。

    我们从小受的教育就在灌输这种唯物史观,而且还外加“The truth of Marxism is so universal that it can be applied to any place on earth”。自从上大学之后,我就开始怀疑这个这些观点,可能因为在这些方面,我很有个性,喜欢独立思考。我觉得Marxism当然有对的一面,甚至可以说,有很多精华,但是我很怀疑它的普适性。我觉得很多东西被称为truth的,其实就是在一定范围内适用的,在一定条件下成立的,而非各种场合都适用。这点许多科学上的定律定理都可以证明。

   而且,的确如Chesterton所言,把人的一切都归结于物质,归结与经济动机其实就把人跟动物等同起来了。在有信仰的人看来,The value of a single soul is much larger than that of the whole material world.(一颗灵魂的价值比整个物质世界都大)。如果在我们曾经的政治课本中出现这句话,那么它一定会被批得一无是处。但如果我们换个角度看,这句话不正彰显了人的高贵之处以及与动物的本质不同吗?

    这是从看Chesterton的书引发的一点点小思考。

写在8.15之际

    8月15日本该是个喜庆的日子。对十多亿中国人来说,它是抗战胜利65周年纪念日。对十多亿天主教徒来说,它是圣母升天节。不过今年,8月15日有多了一个含义,全国哀悼日。

   我觉得设立全国哀悼日初衷是好的,体现了国家对个体生命的尊重。某种程度上,是灾难让我们学会了爱,学会了尊重生命。但是,这次在网络上大家对这个全国哀悼日有很多非议,不是不尊重逝者,而是对government的失望和不信任感,这种情绪不仅仅来自对泥石流的应对,更来自对网络的封锁,对近期奶粉事件的调查……我觉得很无奈。我希望我的祖国能越来越好,但理想跟现实间总是很大的差距。无意间看到徐锦尧神父的一首诗,可以代表我此刻的心境。

我愛教會,她不必聖潔;
我愛中國,她不必完美;
我愛家庭,她不必溫暖。
我滿懷希望,卻不必看到前途;

我一生努力,卻不必看到成果。
但我一定要告訴你:我多麼渴望有一個
聖潔的教會、完美的中國、溫暖的家庭!
我也渴望能看到前途,看到成果,看到希望!
但我知道,在這個世界上,我永遠不會碰到一個
聖潔的教會、完美的中國、溫暖的家庭;
我也不會常常吃到自己親手栽種的果實,
或清楚的看到前途、看到希望。
我的具體而真實的經驗告訴我:
無論我喜歡與否,
人生都是充滿了缺陷和不完美,
人生有的是缺陷和不完美。
因此,我不要求有個聖潔的教會、完美的國和家,
不完美的生命是我唯一的所有,我別無選擇!
我選擇了上述的生命,走上述的路,
因為這是世上偉大的父親、母親都作過的選擇,
因為這是耶穌基督作過的選擇。
他們都是無條件的愛了。
耶穌說:如同我愛了你們,你們也該照樣相親相愛!
耶穌的愛是無條件的,

他在我們是罪人、在我們不可愛的時候愛了我們,
我們也唯有「照樣」彼此相愛。
用老套的話來說:這就是盡人力而聽天命,
這就是只問耕耘,不問收穫。
正因為世界不完美,生命充滿缺陷,
所以我才選擇無條件地去愛;
正因為我渴望完美,
所以我只能不斷向上主祈求、哭訴。
我聽到了他對我說的一句話:
只有愛才可以改變世界;
只有當我努力去愛的時候,
才能使那不可愛的,變得可愛!

 

值此圣母升天节之际,中国之母,亚洲之母,慈悲之母,和平之后,为我们祈祷!为中国祈祷!

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